Heavy heart. And mind. And trying not to complain.
1. I remember the excitement, the hope, the ambition, the “plan” at one point in life. Couple weeks back, for instance, I remember the determination to conquer 5K running, which I still am on my way there. Couple weeks further back, I remember the goal I set for myself. Today, I’m here hoping that time would turn back a month and half ago. There are many things I’d like to change. This is what my life looks like. It’s filled with motivation from time to time, then it’s filled with regrets from time to time. The modes keep switching back and forth with promises in between. That’s why I’m nowhere near the place I want to be. Arg! Such a loser!
I hate it when people say it’s a human thing. I know mistakes make me human and they (supposedly) are necessary for my 20s. I need to make mistakes to learn, and it’s better to make mistakes when I’m young. But the thing is… I rarely learn. There are countless time in my life when I just sit there, look back to the last couple weeks/ years and hope things could be changed. It sucks, I know. And I also know that I’ve gone a long way to be here but it’s not enough. Every effort is not enough. Not yet.
Trust me, I’m not even asking too much of myself. You’ll agree if you know me.
2. Sometimes I (sort of) want to run away. On the train ride to work, I often wish it would change the direction and lead us all to the wilderness. I often think of Norway and Ireland and Greece, just anywhere in Europe. I often think of leaving everything I’ve built behind and become a true nomad. I often ask myself: “What if I really leave everything and go?” Then I thought of my favorite article about traveling when you’re young. Maybe I have too many excuses. But it’s not time yet… I have people I treasure here. I still have things (I don’t like to do) to take care of.
But I’ll keep this flame alive. One day. One day, I’ll wander to unfamiliar places and explore this world.
3. South Korea and Winter Trip were the best time of my youth thus far. There were nothing to worry about. The absolute freedom. The dear friends. Night on the rooftop watching Seoul fell asleep. Living life. Crossing borders.